It had been an eventful week for Marianne Misfit.
New Year's Eve:
For the first time in six years, Marianne and her husband Andy, had accepted an invite to a New Year's Eve fancy dress party.
As usual Marianne had nothing to wear and left everything to the last minute. Her saviour came in an email from Patsy who was currently in Florida with her in-laws. 'There's a purrrrr-fect outfit for you in my wardrobe,' she had written in an act of unusual kindness without criticism.
Two hours later Marianne was being shoe-horned into an full body cat suit by Andy. Why, after all her comments about Marianne's 'voluptuous figure' did Patsy think she could squeeze into this oversized sock?
With much wiggling, swearing and sweating Marianne successfully squeezed her curves into the condom tight outfit and even thought she looked ok. Her wobbly bits had momentarily been squeezed out of sight and, according to Andy, were not collecting in unsightly bulges about her bottom.
The party went well until the moment when Marianne's ears fell off. She bent to retrieve them when there was a sudden, loud ripping sound and rush of cold air down her back making her freeze in her squat. The voluptuous parts of her body had broke free of their restraint, ripping the suit from the gusset to the back of her neck.
Marianne and Andy made their sudden goodbyes blaming a bout of sickness that had suddenly gripped the children. They received many baffled side glances as they slowly walked out with Andy pressed up against Marianne's back as though they were joined for a parachute jump.
Marianne received a phone call from her Father-in-Law Geoffrey. He was pleased to announce that the boils on his wife's face had finally settled down. These ulcers had erupted as a result of liberal application of the face cream Marianne had given her Mother-in-Law for Christmas.
It was a very expensive face cream that Patsy had given to Marianne to stop Andy philandering with big bottomed yoga instructors. In a usual bitter-sweet act of kindness Patsy had declared that Marianne had let herself go and needed intensive help to rectify her flagging sex life.
The cream had never been used and languished in Marianne's bedside drawer. In desperation of what to give her fastidiously wealthy Mother-in-Law Audrey for Christmas, Marianne had retrieved the cream, wrapped it in festive paper and passed it on.
Instead of bringing youthfulness to Audrey's papery skin it had the effects of a chemical peel which resulted in Audrey spending Boxing Day with her face wrapped in cold flannels.
It was good news that the welts were finally on the mend for nothing worked that the doctor had prescribed. Having been the cause of Audrey's predicament, Marianne then proved herself the cure when she gave Audrey a small pot of ointment that she hoped would help. Audrey took the proffered pot between her bony, disdainful fingers and forced a smile on her face that looked like a boiled lobster.
The results were immediate and miraculous. Marianne did not tell anyone that the cream was for Lottie's goat. The animal suffered from a malingering abscess to which the gelatinous ointment was regularly applied by Lottie and Colin Loudmouth. The Loudmouths were currently enjoying a raucous time away in Ibiza and had entrusted Marianne to feed the animals in their small holding while they were away.
Having been told that the ointment proved invaluable for Colin's buttocks after Lottie paddled them too vigorously, Marianne thought, 'Why not try it on Audrey's face?' She gave the goat an extra scoop of grain that night.
The children returned to school and nursery. The cold was biting about their faces as they struggled through the howling wind to the school gates. Marianne was surprised to find the classroom empty when they arrived. She removed Betsy's coat, hat, mittens, scarf and extra jumper, put her book bag in the box and was then informed by a fellow parent that the children were in the school hall.
The hall was a sea of blue jumpers leaping about and punching the air. On the wall was a large screen on which a lycra clad lady went through a series of aerobic movements for the children to copy. Betsy and Arthur were reluctant to join in without Marianne being their partner.
Marianne joined in with lots of smiling and laughter as she heaved herself and the many layers of wool she had wrapped herself in, about the hall in a valiant but dreadful attempt at street dance. She was breathless, hot and sweaty after the first jump and air punch. In the middle of the blue jumper lake was a bright pink leisure suit. This was Patsy Perfect who was not only attired perfectly for this sudden bout of exercise but was also executing the movements with ease and precision.
While Marianne tried to hide her heavy breathing and scrape her hair back from her sweaty brow Patsy smiled her brilliantly white teeth triumphantly whilst jumping higher than everyone else. How did she always know what was going on and arrive fully prepared for every eventuality thought Marianne bitterly.
After dropping the children off Marianne drove home feeling rubbish and making a million resolutions to be a domestic goddess rather than a domestic misfit.
Mrs Misfit is a mum of two, married to Andy and has two friends in her street, Patsy Perfect and Lottie Loudmouth. Their real names are Patsy Pervis and Charlotte Dangerfield-Van Horne but Marianne had privately given them their nicknames for obvious reasons.
There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.
Funny Festivities: amzn.to/1OBSaGY
It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?
Funny Love: amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd
When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.
Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.