Friday, 29 January 2016

Handy Crafts Gone Wrong!

I have promised to make my daughter a blanket from all her old baby clothes for ages now. Too late I realised I am rubbish at sewing. I have sewn this blanket to my trousers, to our duvet and to itself. I skewered by thumb with the needle and had to put a plaster on it. I then sewed the plaster to the blanket. Thank goodness it's now finished before I sew myself up in a straight jacket!

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Whirlwind Park Adventures

To the external world I smile and speak positively about venturing to the local park with my tiddlets.

Internally I am not nearly so positive. One child explores the park in a gentle, methodical manner, enjoying each activity along the way. The other flies round in a whirlwind of heightened excitement. Barely has his bottom sat on a swing and he's wriggling off in a frenzied fever rushing for the slide.

It is at these times that I wish I had the eyes of a Chameleon. While I appreciate having two bulbous eyes swivelling in opposite directions may look disturbing on a human it would appease my anxieties about keeping an eye on both children at the same time.

I am more on the paranoid side of child safety and believe there is a potential pervert hiding in every bush so any crowded scene with my children running wild fills me with terror.

Then there is the dreaded moment where they want to have a go on the roundabout. Not once, I stress NOT ONCE have they played on a roundabout without suffering an injury of somesort. The roundabout is basically a wheel of death.

There is the treacherous moment of getting on the swirling, hypnotic wheel that seems to draw everything towards it like a black hole. Rarely does it come to a complete halt necessitating your child to do a 'grab and leap' action to secure a place. At the tender ages of 3 and 5 my two do not possess great levels of dexterity or co-ordination (neither do I at the grand age of 38 either!) and so there is this heart stopping moment where their dear little hands reach for a handle flying past and they take the leap of faith.

Most times they go in too aggressively and find themselves flying backwards after being rebuffed by the wheel of bad fortune.

If your tot manages to get on without winding themselves, they then spend a few agonising moments clinging to a bar battling with central fugal forces beyond their control. Watching little folk cling to this medieval machine of terror is rather like watching a rodeo, which child will fly off first? Yet they go back again and again like moths to a flame.

Perhaps the humble roundabout is a testimony to human nature - we just can't help doing things that are not that good for us!


Sunday, 17 January 2016

Mrs Misfit serves up brisket with socks and pants

Extract from Mrs Misfit's Diary:

January 17th - Brisket with socks and pants

I have decided to try a different roast for each Sunday for the following reasons:

1. Betsy and Arthur will eat anything that's covered in gravy.
2. We can dine out on leftovers for the rest of the week.
3. I can make huge batches of proper gravy and freeze them so that I can hide veg under it at any time (see point 1).
4. Socks and pants dry very well on the handle of the oven door or on the lid of the slow cooker.

So I plopped a lovely brisket joint over sliced potatoes in my oven, draped our freshly laundered underwear over the oven handle and left it for a couple of hours to go for a brisk family walk in the wintry lanes.

There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?




Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfit visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

Friday, 15 January 2016

Oh for a grown up, waterproof onesie!

I am never properly attired for the freezing weather. I seem to favour layering various clothes of inappropriate lengths and materials. When I see my little boy pootling along in his all-in-one weatherproof outfit suitable for mountain expeditions in the North Pole I wonder whether I could wear a grown up one out and about and still maintain my dignity!

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Would you go to a party where this chap was serving the cocktails?

 
This is Humphrey who is always in charge of the drinks at a party in Peggy and Polly's house. I won't say what's in the eyeball trifle though I'm told it's delicious!
 

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

A disturbed night for Mrs Misfit

Extract from Mrs Misfit's Diary:

January 13th

Terrible night. Woke with perpetual wheeze in my chest like a death rattle. This lead to worries that the children were suffering in the same manner and therefore couldn't breath. This necessitated numerous futile trips into their bedroom to stare at them in the semi-darkness and listen to their breathing.

Sleep finally came in the early hours only to be disrupted by Betsy telling me she had a bogey and needed a wee.

Shortly after Betsy was safely returned to her nest the dog started whining because he thought we were all getting up. Fumbled my way down the dark, cold stairs to let him out. I then stood for twenty minutes at the back door, in the teeth of a wintry wind at six in the morning whilst watching a dog repeatedly change its mind as to where it wanted to wee.

Retuned to bed just in time for the alarm to go off signalling that I had one snooze of 10 minutes before I had to get up. Andy's snore ended with the words, 'I'm tired.' I could have cheerfully smacked him in the face - but resisted of course.


There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?




Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.


Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Mrs Misfit finds New Years Resolutions difficult

Marianne was struggling with her endeavours to get fit and healthy for the new year. Every morning she saw Patsy Perfect set off in her hot pink leisure suit for a quick run around the lanes before breakfast.

'That woman's a machine,' Marianne muttered to herself as Patsy's power jogging legs disappeared in the morning mist.

Looking in the mirror Marianne saw a woman in her late thirties with mad brown hair sticking out in spikes and large eyes shrouded by shadows.

She picked up her toothbrush and squirted paste onto it as she mused at her own failings.

It was of course ridiculous to think that January was a good time to improve oneself. The house was still bulging with unopened boxes of chocolates and biscuits. She had miscalculated how much cheese she should buy for the festive period and now had enough to open her own cheese business in the deep freeze.

'Still, Patsy seems capable,' she mused as she began brushing. Immediately her mouth was filled with a pungent acrid taste causing her to spit and salivate like a rabid dog. Unfortunately she had inadvertently squirted antibacterial handwash on her brush instead of toothpaste. This was proof enough that she should live a few more days on stilton and celebrations, after all, she couldn't let them go to waste.



Mrs Misfit is a mum of two, married to Andy and has two friends in her street, Patsy Perfect and Lottie Loudmouth. Their real names are Patsy Pervis and Charlotte Dangerfield-Van Horne but Marianne had privately given them their nicknames for obvious reasons.

There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?




Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

What are the odds? Actually very high in this house!

Having spent yesterday evening writing a comprehensive shopping list I was greeted with a blank sheet of paper this morning. Turns out I've written it in invisible ink - I mean, what are the odds of that happening?

Actually the odds are pretty high. In a house filled with doolally pets, husband and two lively little ones anything is possible.

The last time I wrote a shopping list I found 'Poo' written across it in large red wobbly letters. Not sure the local supermarket would stock such a thing!

The upshot is that I am determined to clear the decks in this midden I call a home. The kitchen sink will no longer look like this....



But will look like this instead....

 
And everywhere will smell lemony fresh. Well, we'll see how long that will last!

Monday, 11 January 2016

My empire starts with a bacon sandwich

I did a very dodgy Darth Vader impression whilst telling my husband that I would start my empire of wondrous arts and crafts today.

So far I've made a bacon sandwich.

Why is the world in my head so far removed from reality?

Mrs Misfit - Misunderstanding Over a Turkey Baster

January 11th

Not a good start to the day for Marianne Misfit.

Lottie had finally returned from her Christmas holiday in Ibiza with her husband Colin. She stood like a proud bull swathed in tweed, her large, bovine face as red as a beetroot in the school playground.

Lottie had recently started a new career writing a blog called, 'Lottie Love, Sex and Gadget Guru' which was doing incredibly well. Her holiday was business as well as pleasure. It was time to research the world of threesome bedroom antics and, despite Colin's sore buttocks when they departed for the sunny sexual adventure, Lottie was pleased with her results.

As they had missed the traditional Christmas meal, Lottie was keen to have a turkey roast and so her conversation revolved around the best way to cook a turkey the size of an arm chair in her farmhouse cooker.

'Obviously you need a large turkey baster,' Patsy had stated, her pink lips pursed in their usual determined manner.

'A TURKEY BASTER, I DON'T HAVE ONE OF THOSE,' boomed Lottie for whom speaking quietly was an impossibility. 'WHAT ABOUT THE SYRINGE I USE TO FERTILISE THE COWS?'

'That'll do, but sterilise it first,' replied Patsy who, despite her perfect nature was never perturbed by any of the crazy comments that Lottie shouted at her.

Marianne was about to add her idea to the mix when her three year old Arthur snatched another boys dinosaur and ran off with it. She left her friends and gave chase.

Whilst Marianne pursued Arthur about the muddy playground, intermittently trying to calm the hysterical boy and his equally hysterical and coldly judging mother, another mum, Jenny, joined Patsy and Lottie and started talking about her experiences with IVF.

'We've finally been successful,' Jenny gushed, 'I'm over the moon.'

'WELL DONE YOU,' hollered Lottie with open affection and slapped Jenny heartily on the back making the slender woman cough.

'I'm so pleased Jenny, I know it's been tough. All those trips to the hospital are now worthwhile. Fertility treatment is a difficult process I know, my sister is still trying and is starting to look at other alternatives,' said Patsy.

Just then Marianne returned and said, 'Don't bother with a baster or a syringe for fertilising cows, I find a large spoon is best for getting the juices in. Worked for me.' She smiled broadly but was surprised to find everyone staring back at her as though she had just soiled herself in public.

Jenny stroked Patsy's arm and said, 'I hope your sister gets there in the end,' then she threw Marianne another disgusted look just as the doors opened to let the children into their classroom.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?



Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.





Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

New Years Resolution - Reach for New Heights


This little hobgoblin's New Years Resolution is to reach for new heights - though I wouldn't recommend swinging from a lampshade!

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Mrs Misifit - Hilariously Disastrous Walk with her Parents

January 9th:

Marianne had a lovely walk around Swan Lake in Helston with her children and parents.

Her dad had clearly decided that he would act bonkers in any public situation since he turned sixty. On this occasion he decided to keep hiding from the children behind every shelter and bin. Just as they approached he would leap out, brandishing his umbrella and bellowing like a bull. Every time the children squealed and ran helter skelter down the path.

Unfortunately, on one occasion he misjudged it and jumped out on an unsuspecting old couple walking their equally geriatric terrier. The octogenarians clutched at their chests in horror when Marianne's dad leered suddenly at them from behind a poo bin. The man immediately bent double, wheezing and the dog set up barking hysterically before turning its anger to the woman's walking stick which he set upon with fury.

Marianne, her mother and the two children walked past as though they were not associated with the retired lunatic loitering in dark spaces. Some time later he re-joined them after making many apologies and promising to buy the woman a new walking stick after her dog had destroyed it in its fit of terror.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?



Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her sex life with her husband.

With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.





Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?

This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.

This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

Friday, 8 January 2016

Mrs Misfit Tries to Make New Years Resolutions for a Brighter, Happier Self

Feeling utterly inadequate and quite frankly hideous after her brief attempt at street dance in the school hall, Marianne Misfit committed herself to some New Years Resolutions that she would actually keep.

This is what she came up with:

New Years Resolutions that WILL be kept without fail so I can prove that I am not a domestic and social misfit:

1.  I will not come home and eat biscuits dunked in tea. I will start the day with some proper grown up exercises that are not Tree Fu Tom's 'moves to turn the magic on' when the kids are watching CBeebies.

2.  Biscuits, Chocolates and all other sugar laden food and beverages will be swapped for anything that I can put Curly Kale in.

3. My 5 fruit and veg a day will be real fruit and veg and not consist of the following:

a) Raisins found in cake or biscuits.
b) Grapes that have been transformed into wine.
c) Slices of lemon in Gin and Tonic.

4.  I will actually bother to do my hair and make up even if it's not a special occasion. Normally my beauty regime is based on the lesser of two evils namely,  do I choose to brush my teeth or wash my face? In other words, would I rather go out with crusty eyes or bad breath?

5. I will get completely changed when I go on the school run and not wear my pyjamas beneath my coat.

6.  I will shave before a forest grows on my person.

7.  I will keep abreast of all school matters and not send the children dressed for a school pyjama party on the wrong day.


She wrote these in her diary, closed the book and reached for a packet of Jaffa cakes.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?



Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her sex life with her husband.

With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.





Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?

This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.

This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

New Year Resolution - Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin

This little hobgoblin is completely at ease with himself. While I'm not suggesting you go about digging in your nostril whilst doing your shopping, I think it is good for your well being to accept who you are and embrace it, though if you are an avid nose picker, perhaps keep that for private moments!

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Mrs Misfit - New Year Hilarity and Woe

January 7th:

It had been an eventful week for Marianne Misfit.


New Year's Eve:

For the first time in six years, Marianne and her husband Andy, had accepted an invite to a New Year's Eve fancy dress party.

As usual Marianne had nothing to wear and left everything to the last minute. Her saviour came in an email from Patsy who was currently in Florida with her in-laws. 'There's a purrrrr-fect outfit for you in my wardrobe,' she had written in an act of unusual kindness without criticism.

Two hours later Marianne was being shoe-horned into an full body cat suit by Andy. Why, after all her comments about Marianne's 'voluptuous figure' did Patsy think she could squeeze into this oversized sock?

With much wiggling, swearing and sweating Marianne successfully squeezed her curves into the condom tight outfit and even thought she looked ok. Her wobbly bits had momentarily been squeezed out of sight and, according to Andy, were not collecting in unsightly bulges about her bottom.

The party went well until the moment when Marianne's ears fell off. She bent to retrieve them when there was a sudden, loud ripping sound and rush of cold air down her back making her freeze in her squat. The voluptuous parts of her body had broke free of their restraint, ripping the suit from the gusset to the back of her neck.

Marianne and Andy made their sudden goodbyes blaming a bout of sickness that had suddenly gripped the children. They received many baffled side glances as they slowly walked out with Andy pressed up against Marianne's back as though they were joined for a parachute jump.

January 2nd:

Marianne received a phone call from her Father-in-Law Geoffrey. He was pleased to announce that the boils on his wife's face had finally settled down. These ulcers had erupted as a result of liberal application of the face cream Marianne had given her Mother-in-Law for Christmas.

It was a very expensive face cream that Patsy had given to Marianne to stop Andy philandering with big bottomed yoga instructors. In a usual bitter-sweet act of kindness Patsy had declared that Marianne had let herself go and needed intensive help to rectify her flagging sex life.

The cream had never been used and languished in Marianne's bedside drawer. In desperation of what to give her fastidiously wealthy Mother-in-Law Audrey for Christmas, Marianne had retrieved the cream, wrapped it in festive paper and passed it on.

Instead of bringing youthfulness to Audrey's papery skin it had the effects of a chemical peel which resulted in Audrey spending Boxing Day with her face wrapped in cold flannels.

It was good news that the welts were finally on the mend for nothing worked that the doctor had prescribed. Having been the cause of Audrey's predicament, Marianne then proved herself the cure when she gave Audrey a small pot of ointment that she hoped would help. Audrey took the proffered pot between her bony, disdainful fingers and forced a smile on her face that looked like a boiled lobster.

The results were immediate and miraculous. Marianne did not tell anyone that the cream was for Lottie's goat. The animal suffered from a malingering abscess to which the gelatinous ointment was regularly applied by Lottie and Colin Loudmouth. The Loudmouths were currently enjoying a raucous time away in Ibiza and had entrusted Marianne to feed the animals in their small holding while they were away.

Having been told that the ointment proved invaluable for Colin's buttocks after Lottie paddled them too vigorously, Marianne thought, 'Why not try it on Audrey's face?' She gave the goat an extra scoop of grain that night.

January 4th:

The children returned to school and nursery. The cold was biting about their faces as they struggled through the howling wind to the school gates. Marianne was surprised to find the classroom empty when they arrived. She removed Betsy's coat, hat, mittens, scarf and extra jumper, put her book bag in the box and was then informed by a fellow parent that the children were in the school hall.

The hall was a sea of blue jumpers leaping about and punching the air. On the wall was a large screen on which a lycra clad lady went through a series of aerobic movements for the children to copy. Betsy and Arthur were reluctant to join in without Marianne being their partner.

Marianne joined in with lots of smiling and laughter as she heaved herself and the many layers of wool she had wrapped herself in, about the hall in a valiant but dreadful attempt at street dance. She was breathless, hot and sweaty after the first jump and air punch. In the middle of the blue jumper lake was a bright pink leisure suit. This was Patsy Perfect who was not only attired perfectly for this sudden bout of exercise but was also executing the movements with ease and precision.

While Marianne tried to hide her heavy breathing and scrape her hair back from her sweaty brow Patsy smiled her brilliantly white teeth triumphantly whilst jumping higher than everyone else. How did she always know what was going on and arrive fully prepared for every eventuality thought Marianne bitterly.

After dropping the children off Marianne drove home feeling rubbish and making a million resolutions to be a domestic goddess rather than a domestic misfit.


Mrs Misfit is a mum of two, married to Andy and has two friends in her street, Patsy Perfect and Lottie Loudmouth. Their real names are Patsy Pervis and Charlotte Dangerfield-Van Horne but Marianne had privately given them their nicknames for obvious reasons.

There are two published tales of the hilarity and woe Marianne suffers trying to be a fabulous woman, wife and mother and only succeeding in being a domestic misfit.

Funny Festivities:  amzn.to/1OBSaGY

It is Autumn for Marianne Misfit. The weather is glorious and golden but there is the usual haphazard hilarity. Despite a farcical attempt at fancy dress, Marianne manages to survive the Halloween party from hell. The family trip to see the fireworks is a disaster ending in Marianne mud wrestling her daughter and her husband Andy trapped in a port-a-loo facing a three year old with a bad stomach. Christmas has lost its glow as Marianne is facing the problem of existing on a tight budget whilst trying to afford the usual presents and food. To make matters worse she has invited her snooty parents-in-law for Christmas dinner. Things get so bad that she almost calls the whole thing off claiming her children are infested with head lice. Her two friends Patsy and Lottie have different anxieties of their own, namely absent husbands and sore buttocks. Will Marianne salvage any Christmas presents from the goats? Will Lottie's blog continue whilst Colin's bottom is so sore? Will Patsy ever find out what her partner Jerry is getting up to in Thailand?



Funny Love:  amzn.to/1Jw0Oqd

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

New Year Resolution - Find the fun in everything!

My first New Year Resolution is to find the fun in as much as possible. This little Hobgoblin appeared on my page yesterday and reminded me to keep positive and be daft in all things creative.