Monday, 28 September 2015

A Few Tips for Amateur Erotic Dance

If a sexy dance for your partner is an idea swimming about in your mind, here are a few suggestions to make it successful:

1) Atmosphere - select appropriate music to cover up the grunting and heavy tread of your feet on the floor. This also helps if you suffer from sudden, unavoidable body noises.

2) Lighting - subtle lighting is always a good idea. Candles provide a perfect sultry, flattering setting - just remember where you've placed them when you shed your clothes. Material, especially lacy underwear will ignite in a flash if dropped on a candle.

3) Face - try to maintain sexy thoughts and not let your mind wander to household chores, work issues or what you need to buy for tea the next day. Your partner wants to see a suggestive, alluring expression not someone who looks like they're working out an algebra equation.

4) Issues - check whether you suffer from restriction issues before you let your partner tie you to something, particularly if you are attached to the scarf you're tied up with. Should you decide halfway through that bondage is not your thing say this to your partner rather than using your teeth to escape from your bonds.

5) Clear your surrounding area - this is very important if you wish to do particularly outlandish moves. Nothing kills the mood like the sound of tumbling books, breaking ornaments and limbs banging on furniture.

6) Finally if things do go wrong make sure you have a bag of frozen peas and a fire extinguisher handy.

Unfortunately Mrs Misfit failed dismally on all the above points. You can read about her many disastrous and hilarious attempts to spice up her sex life in the short story:

Funny Love:

Here is a snippet from Funny Love:

Mr Misfit was tired. He sat on the edge of the bed, sagging with weariness and looked forward to a good night's sleep.

Suddenly the bedroom door was flung open to reveal his wife, weaving towards him and swirling a scarf about her completely naked body.

There then proceeded a show which, at best could be called laughable and, at worst downright bizarre.

The main let down for Marianne was the lack of any music to enhance her performance. Instead the noises were stomping bare feet on floorboards and heavy breathing. To make matters further removed from a sexy show, she couldn't stop herself from grunting like an old woman every time she bent too low.

There were two mortifying moments where she actually broke wind, one time very close to her husband's face, clearly her body was not used to being stretched and twisted in this manner.

Their bedroom was a small cottage affair, not suited to amateur erotic dance. Every time she flung out a hand she sent something flying. Thudding and clattering noises made her wince. She was no longer trying to imagine that she was an erotic temptress pouting and making suggestive expressions. Now she was thinking more about the potential mess she'd have to tidy up after this show and her face looked like she was preoccupied and grumpy. She knocked over a pile of underwear and her feet got tangled in her bra and pants.

Mr Misfit continued to watch his wife cavort about their bedroom. Sweat sprang out in beads, making her hair stick to her face and her scalp itch. In between lurid gestures she would scratch her head and wipe her arm pits with the scarf. The fiasco was no longer sexy (if it ever had been) and Marianne was struggling with how she was going to end the performance with anything that would make her husband want to have sex with her.

She moved closer, panting and gyrating, then pushed him back onto the bed. They rolled about a bit and kissed but she was still determined to do something out of the ordinary, so she suggested that he tie her up with the scarf.

Her husband obliged and secured her wrists to the bed posts with the scarf. Marianne realised too late that she suffered from severe claustrophobia. Initially her writhing and screeching were taken as indications of her enjoyment. He became more ardent as did she. Unfortunately they were not on the same page. Andrew was becoming more passionately involved with this endeavour while Marianne became more frantic to escape.

She was free within ten minutes. She had shredded her scarf with her teeth and elbowed her husband in the eye in the process. The rest of the evening was spent with Andy pressing a bag of frozen peas on his face and Marianne pissed off about her scarf and fed up with picking up the things she had swiped off the shelves and re-folding the laundry.