Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Holiday Madness

Since becoming a mum I have found that various areas of my life that previously posed no real problems suddenly make my mind think irrationally. For example, going on holiday now addles my brains...

1) Appliances: On the day we are due to leave for our holiday, I suddenly look at normal electrical appliances in a suspicious manner. The kettle that is always plugged in suddenly changes function into something that wishes to catch fire and destroy our kitchen. The television, normally a happy form of entertainment transforms into a potential bomb with the onset of our leaving the house.

I make sure that all the things that are normally plugged into our electricity supply are unplugged as if they intend to incinerate all we hold dear behind our backs.

There is one exception - the fridge/freezer. For some reason this appliance is beneath suspicion and is the one and only thing that remains plugged in throughout our time away. While all our other electrical gadgets are shut down the fridge remains chilled - literally.

2) Clothes: When faced with choosing a few garments my brain switches into the illogical function that I try to hide on a regular basis. Obviously I have to travel light as all our luggage allowance goes on children's clothes (particularly pants for my 3 year old son), teddies and the special snuggly items the little dears can't live without (unfortunately my son is attached to a cot duvet - try squeezing that into a small holdall!)

In the moment of folding my attire into a gap no bigger than a lunch box I suddenly spurn my old favourite items that I believe lessen my look of a dishevelled hippie and go for things that I haven't worn in years simply because they don't crease and scrunch down to the size of a golf ball.

Hence, whilst on holiday I find myself wearing things that are too small (I no longer wear cropped tops, partly for my own dignity and to save others the sight of my pot belly bobbing about like a balloon trapped in a t-shirt), have mould on them or smell like the inside of my garden shed, they've been neglected so long.

3) Paranoia:  The final brain fart that lets me down on the brink of going on holiday is that I suddenly remember every horror movie I've seen that starts off with everyone piling onto the plane wreathed in smiles and ends with them all butchered in a ditch. Whilst on our recent trip to Budapest I was inspired by the beautiful architecture, the elegant statues and the rolling green of the Buda Hills, whilst all the time feeling I was one step away from entering a 'Hostel' movie.

There are wonderful things about going on holiday that make my mummy logic happy as a pig in poo...

1) Housework: While we're away I do not have to do housework. I can sit happily on the balcony and enjoy a glass of wine without thinking, 'In a minute I'll set too with the hoovering.'

2) Children: The cuteness of children interacting with people from a different country is enchanting. We taught our two a few words in Hungarian. I can guarantee this is worth its weight in gold when trying to squeeze on a packed bus or tram. Seeing the little cherubs chirp 'Thank you' in Hungarian has even the most miserable person smiling and clucking and offering help. Train your kids to be cute and you'll get away with so much.

3) Being Anonymous: It doesn't matter if I make a complete embarrassing twat of myself while abroad because nobody knows me. I just need to make sure my husband doesn't catch mortifying moments on his camera so that I'm spared the Facebook shame when we get home. (My husband thinks my humiliating cock ups are cute - they are not!)

Finally after all the fun and frolicks are over and we return home without being cut up into small pieces or arrested for the indecent exposure of a wobbly belly, there is the mountain of washing to get through. What I managed to squeeze into a small rucksack on the way out now becomes a mountain of washing that takes up all of the kitchen floor.

If you want to read a short story about another mum who has regular brain farts click on this link


For a funny extract on Mrs Misfit's disastrous attempt at erotic dance click on this link


Monday, 28 September 2015

A Few Tips for Amateur Erotic Dance

If a sexy dance for your partner is an idea swimming about in your mind, here are a few suggestions to make it successful:

1) Atmosphere - select appropriate music to cover up the grunting and heavy tread of your feet on the floor. This also helps if you suffer from sudden, unavoidable body noises.

2) Lighting - subtle lighting is always a good idea. Candles provide a perfect sultry, flattering setting - just remember where you've placed them when you shed your clothes. Material, especially lacy underwear will ignite in a flash if dropped on a candle.

3) Face - try to maintain sexy thoughts and not let your mind wander to household chores, work issues or what you need to buy for tea the next day. Your partner wants to see a suggestive, alluring expression not someone who looks like they're working out an algebra equation.

4) Issues - check whether you suffer from restriction issues before you let your partner tie you to something, particularly if you are attached to the scarf you're tied up with. Should you decide halfway through that bondage is not your thing say this to your partner rather than using your teeth to escape from your bonds.

5) Clear your surrounding area - this is very important if you wish to do particularly outlandish moves. Nothing kills the mood like the sound of tumbling books, breaking ornaments and limbs banging on furniture.

6) Finally if things do go wrong make sure you have a bag of frozen peas and a fire extinguisher handy.

Unfortunately Mrs Misfit failed dismally on all the above points. You can read about her many disastrous and hilarious attempts to spice up her sex life in the short story:

Funny Love:  http://amzn.to/1UNIokw

Here is a snippet from Funny Love:

Mr Misfit was tired. He sat on the edge of the bed, sagging with weariness and looked forward to a good night's sleep.

Suddenly the bedroom door was flung open to reveal his wife, weaving towards him and swirling a scarf about her completely naked body.

There then proceeded a show which, at best could be called laughable and, at worst downright bizarre.

The main let down for Marianne was the lack of any music to enhance her performance. Instead the noises were stomping bare feet on floorboards and heavy breathing. To make matters further removed from a sexy show, she couldn't stop herself from grunting like an old woman every time she bent too low.

There were two mortifying moments where she actually broke wind, one time very close to her husband's face, clearly her body was not used to being stretched and twisted in this manner.

Their bedroom was a small cottage affair, not suited to amateur erotic dance. Every time she flung out a hand she sent something flying. Thudding and clattering noises made her wince. She was no longer trying to imagine that she was an erotic temptress pouting and making suggestive expressions. Now she was thinking more about the potential mess she'd have to tidy up after this show and her face looked like she was preoccupied and grumpy. She knocked over a pile of underwear and her feet got tangled in her bra and pants.

Mr Misfit continued to watch his wife cavort about their bedroom. Sweat sprang out in beads, making her hair stick to her face and her scalp itch. In between lurid gestures she would scratch her head and wipe her arm pits with the scarf. The fiasco was no longer sexy (if it ever had been) and Marianne was struggling with how she was going to end the performance with anything that would make her husband want to have sex with her.

She moved closer, panting and gyrating, then pushed him back onto the bed. They rolled about a bit and kissed but she was still determined to do something out of the ordinary, so she suggested that he tie her up with the scarf.

Her husband obliged and secured her wrists to the bed posts with the scarf. Marianne realised too late that she suffered from severe claustrophobia. Initially her writhing and screeching were taken as indications of her enjoyment. He became more ardent as did she. Unfortunately they were not on the same page. Andrew was becoming more passionately involved with this endeavour while Marianne became more frantic to escape.

She was free within ten minutes. She had shredded her scarf with her teeth and elbowed her husband in the eye in the process. The rest of the evening was spent with Andy pressing a bag of frozen peas on his face and Marianne pissed off about her scarf and fed up with picking up the things she had swiped off the shelves and re-folding the laundry.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

The Sublime Noises of Family Life

Lying in bed this morning with a shaft of sunlight streaming through her cottage window I heard the noise of my husband blowing raspberries on little tummies. There was much laughter like the sound of angels stomping on Autumnal leaves - family life is littered with these sublime moments.

Funny Short Story About Spicing Sex Lives

I've just published my first funny short story about the daft antics of Mrs Misfit as she tries to spice up her sex life.

It's available on Amazon http://amzn.to/1UNIokw

When Marianne Misfits visits her ever so perfect neighbour Patsy, she inadvertently opens a can of worms. Talking about ham stuck to her slipper somehow transforms into an embarrassing dissection of her her sex life with her husband.
With their lunatic assumptions, odd advice and utterly embarrassing behaviour, Marianne's friends encourage her to embark on a series of hilarious attempts to spice up her love life with disastrous results, trips to Marks and Spencer will never be the same again.

Will Marianne finally get to the bottom of what her husband really wants in the bedroom?
Is Patsy's life as perfect as it seems?
And will Lottie's geraniums ever recover from the horrors of her 'Happy Ending Harness'?
This is a romantic comedy of misfits trying to spice up their sex lives and offering friendship of the heartfelt but humiliating kind.
This tale of one woman's plight to spice up her marital relations will have you either laughing at her misadventures or relating to her misguided but very real insecurities.

Buy Now on Amazon http://amzn.to/1UNIokw