Would a best friend not only tear your bin bags but deliberately strew the contents all over your lawn whilst eating at least 90% of the rotten bits?
A dog dosen't stop there in its pursuit of friendship. The same lovable rogue will then poo or puke the partly digested rubbish on the same lawn (I have actually watched in horror as my dog deposited an entire, barely chewed nappy!)
My lovely 'friend' will snuggle up with the pretence of having a lovely cuddle then either belch, fart or flick spit in my lap.
Would a best friend roll in shit then lie on your sofa?
Would a best friend poo on your lawn while you're actually mowing it or eat your favourite shoes?
Imagine having a dinner party and your best friend goes around sniffing bottoms and crotches?
I watched a dog plough into its owner, taking her legs clean out from under her. Did he help her to her feet, show any signs of remorse?
Instead he continued to chuck his ball at her face and bolt off to leave her to endure the indignity of being lifted from her dishevelled state, smeared in mud and covered in dog spit.
Would a best friend treat you like that?
I remember, when visiting relations, my grandad waxed lyrical about his dog Minty and her ever faithful loyalty. He went to great lengths stating that she never left his side, was good as gold and liked nothing better than to curl up on his lap.
As we drove away we wondered why our relatives waved quite so vigorously and seemed to be shouting.
It turned out my grandad's 'best friend' sat on the drive and watched him go. When he did the walk of shame to collect her she refused to get in his car.
Would a best friend do that?
But when I look into those big soulful eyes and stroke those soft, velvety ears, of course, even though he's a Doberman built like a brick privvy, he is my best friend.
Having said all that, it could be worse, you pet 'dog' could be like Humphrey in 'Odd Witch'...
Humphrey dines out on slugs and eye balls and retrieves people on park benches instead of sticks!
I have written and illustrated a whole children's book featuring Humphrey and other odd characters. It's available online at