Thursday, 5 June 2014

Incy Wincy can f**k off

A vivid imagination is not always a good thing...

Opened car door today to reveal a huge nest of baby spiders covering a vast majority of the interior. Shat my pants and swept them off with tissue and tried to release them into a nearby hedge. Job done...or was it?

For the rest of the day my mind repeatedly wheeled around the following ideas;

1) A host of spiders witnessed my clumsy attempt to 're-home' their next generation and mistook it as an attempt at mass annihilation and were now plotting their revenge. I pictured a multitude of fat, hairy Arachnida descending en masse to crawl on me, taunt me with their eight beady eyes and generally nest in all my nooks and crannies ready to leap out at me.

2) I'm convinced baby spiders are now nesting on my person. They will crawl up my nasal passage into my brain where they will make a web, grow fat and encourage flies up my nose to feast on. The result will be either madness induced by the incessant crawling sensations in my skull or a whole nest of baby spiders being born in my head and swarming out of every orifice in divine retribution.

Must go - after my tenth shower I intend to seal myself in cling film and hide in a cupboard with an industrial sized can of bug spray.

'Incy wincy spider climbed up my snotty nose,
Down came a sneeze and out the f**cker goes,
But this little beastie was such a frigging pain,
And promptly turned around to climb up my nose again.'

I may be found singing the above while rocking back and forth.

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